When it comes to raising children, I am slow to give advice. No one is an expert and each child requires different skills. To be honest, raising a child, being a father has been the most difficult and challenging task of my life. It was also the most important and fulfilling. I am a better person for being a father.
Most parents want to take the best of how they parented and minimize the not so good parenting skills of their parents. By and large, my overall feelings about how I was parented were positive. It was easy to forgive a few of my parents shortcomings, probably because, although I was a pretty good kid, I know I pushed the limits and was a bit stubborn! Most every one knows this about me!
Fortunately, I not only had good models as parents, but Sassy’s parents were equally influential in how I would parent. I learned quite a bit from them. Your great grandfathers, George Sprague, Jr and Glen Keys, worked very had and provided emotional and financial security for their families. I aspired to the same work ethic, and decided to make sacrifices in the short term, which would produce benefits for the future. In the same fashion, your great grandmothers Betty Sprague and Marty Keys, were role models as well, but Sassy can tell their stories and impact better than I can.
Like I noted in the last note, in my early years my father wasn’t very verbal in expressing his love. I was determined to tell your mother (Hannah) with words, “I love you!” I wanted her to hear it. Just as important, I wanted her to know it by my actions! Just saying it isn’t enough. Actions do speak louder than words!
One of my goals as a parent, was to never speak down to Hannah, as best as possible to try to always find something positive to express. I was not, however, afraid to express concerns about her behavior, but I still tried my best not to demean. Somewhere along the way, I adopted the habit that I would never call her Stupid, Bad, Dumb, Mean, etc. She was good, but her behavior was Stupid, Bad, Dumb, Mean, etc. There was one incident, however, when she was out of college and living at home she treated your grandmother with disrespect and was rude. I violated that principle and looked her in the eye and said, “You Are Stupid!” Not my best moment, but at 22 it was a sign of stupidity and I hadn’t raised a stupid daughter!
This is a good time to state another important way I tried to parent, I wasn’t afraid to admit I was wrong. There were times I may have been too strict, jumped to conclusions and my actions were not the best. Once I realized my mistake I tried to express my remorse, to say I was sorry and to ask her forgiveness. Parents make mistakes. When we ask for forgiveness, we need to be forgiven!
For better or worse, your mother was surrounded by a lot of people who loved her. We often commented that she was raised by college students and had a lot of caring adults in her life. Get her to share her memories. The upside was I didn’t try to dumb things down. I didn’t speak baby talk to her. I used real words. I did my best to listen to her questions and to never blow her off. One of my favorite authors was C. S. Lewis. Though he was a bachelor most of his life and never a father, he gave a perspective on children I embraced. He said most adults see children as below them and over the years they grow to where they can look you in the eye. His concept was chlidren and parents should always be on the same eye level and over the years their legs grow to reach the reach the ground. Simply put, children don’t grow up, they grow down. It is a concept which is hard to grasp, and children should be allowed to be children, but I liked seeing the potential adult.
As your mother learned to talk, identify colors, shapes, count to ten, then to 100 I also introduced other math concepts. We would say together the square roots of all the prime numbers, 4, 9 16, 25, 36, 49, 64, 81, 100 and she memorized those. She learned at an early age Florida was a Peninsula, because it was a body of land surrounded by water on 3 sides and an Island was a body of land surrounded by water on all sides. As she described each one she would also interject, “With a Beach!” Being Floridians we taught her to love the beach.
It was part of my teaching style to let her discover things on her own. As a parent, teaching was not just telling but experiencing. We were staying with her Keys Grandparents when she was just starting to crawl. Mema and I were in the living room drinking coffee and your mother reached out for my cup. The cup was not burning hot, but it would still feel hot to the touch. She stood and reached for the cup which I handed to her and said “Hot!” Her Mema questioned my actions. I told her now when she gets close to a fire, a stove or oven and someone warns her it is hot she will know not to touch it. I would rather her fingers feel the heat of a ceramic mug than a source which would leave a scar.
Speaking of teaching, when she needed help with homework, she always wanted me to just tell her the answer. I couldn’t do that. Sometimes it was clear she hadn’t done the reading and she wanted to short cut the process. I would have her go over the material and we would find the answer together. When it came to math, she had to show her work. There are very few shortcuts in life. When you find them take them, but most of the time you can’t bypass the important steps! To this day, your mother still comes to me for help and advice. She still asks me to fix things from time to time. I think she trusts me!
Sassy was a great mother. Way more gracious with her time. Way more gracious in giving material things and in activities. Even to this day they have an incredible bond of which I have always been a bit envious! They really think each other’s thoughts and complete each other’s sentences. Though we shared all the responsibilities of parenting and nothing was off limits, I tended to be involved in the more active activities. Sassy probably transported her to more activities and may have even attended more events, but I was in the driveway shooting baskets after dark or throwing the ball playing catch. I put together most her big toys (Swing Sets and Jungle Gyms) and learned how to play with them. During her toddler days through elementary school, indoor play houses with bounce house houses, ball pits and tunnels through which a person could crawl were very popular. There was a season when she and I spent many Saturday or Sunday afternoons there. Usually I was the oldest adult male in the different activities. Often, I would start to talk to another person about the child they were with and discovered they were the grandparents. For many years I kept these knee pads in my car, always ready for the indoor gyms!
Experiencing and Experimenting are a great way to learn. Like most kids, there is a point in time when you get your first battery operated Barbie Car (I think this year you got a mini Mercedes). Your mother loved to drive hers up and down, back and forth on our driveway. After a couple of months she and Sassy would ask me to back it out of the garage. I would walk her to the car and say get in and have her back it out. At first she was reticent and Sassy thought I was expecting too much of her. Slowly, wihth my direction, she was able to back it out. Next, your guessed it! When it needed to put away, I let her drive it. She then learned to drive a Golf Cart Mema and Papa Keys kept at their Waynesville home. They upgraded to a Polaris, but I am not sure she ever drove it much. It was a little rugged.
After she graduated from college, she traded her college car for a Land Rover. I was not a big fan of the trade, and it was a time she didn’t take my advice. A few weeks after her purchase, while visiting Mema and Papa, we spent the day at The Biltmore Estate in Asheville, NC. At the time (around 2014) Land Rover had a driving course for owners. We signed up for one and they gave her a little off road experience! It was a lot of fun. It all goes back to the Barbie Car. This picture was on the trip to Waynesville. She is driving her Land Rover and we are singing “She’s in Love with the Boy!”
Like I said earlier, Sassy was much better at parenting than I was. To my credit, though, I hope you see I was very hands on. Climbing on Jungle Gyms, playing in ball pits, parking the Barbie car, Playing Horse in the driveway were definitely in my wheel house. There were activities I was asked to share outside of my comfort zone. One of those activities was going to a ceramic shop where we would paint a ceramic figure together and they would glaze and fire it. I am not gifted in the graphic arts, but it was a great activity for us to do together so Sassy could get a break and do her thing. It was tedious for me and I don’t really enjoy an activity I don’t feel I do well. The time I spent one on one with your mother was worth all my awkward feeling. I think she enjoyed watching me struggle at something. I think she knew it was a sacrifice of my time and I would rather be doing something else, almost anything else. I think she liked being better at something than I was and showing me how to do something. The final product was always satisfying. After you finished painting an object, you would leave it and the employees would complete the final steps of glazing and firing it. After about a week you could come back and pickup the final product. When you returned to pick up your priceless creation it was placed on shelves in the back of store. Once we went back to the store, walked to the pick up area, but it wasn’t there. We looked and asked the attendant where it was. For a brief moment I feared our work of art had not survived the fiery furnace, possibly mistakenly picked up by someone or stolen because of it’s unique beauty! We described our work of art to the attendant. After a moment, she said, “We put that one on display in Store Window!” We walked to the display window and there it was for the whole world to see, our Dad/Daughter masterpiece! There’s a little Michelangelo in all of us!
In the early years of CrossRoad Church, while your mother was in elementary school, Sassy had Choir Practice. This was our Date Night. Dad and Daughter dinners became the highlight of the week. We often looked for Kids eat free nights! As she got older, she could fend for herself. I loved those days. I miss those days. We have had a few of those days together and I hope you will cherish those memories.
The Bible doesn’t provide an exhaustive, step by step instruction manual on how to raise children. Quite frankly, there are a lot of horror stories of dysfunctional families which God still managed to use to tell His story.
There are several Proverbs which give some guidance, but most of my inspiration came from observing and following how Jesus treated all people and His relationship with His Heavenly Father. Having a good earthly father and father in law, made it even easier to see God as my loving Father and to aspire to those same attributes.
Parenting requires Unconditional love. It is hard to always love unconditionally. There are standards and expectations you know will be beneficial to your child, but when they rebel you still have to find ways to love and you may have to work out some plan of redemption!
Being a pastor has a lot of responsibilities and demands on your time. I tried to let Hannah and Sassy know they were always my first reponsibility and it mattered more to me what they thought of me as a father and husband than what people thought of me as a pastor. God makes us His highest priority. God makes Himself available. Hannah knew she could always call me and as best I could I would always take her call. I did have to encourage her to call my assistant some times and let her see if she could help. There were many times she would just walk into my office without knocking and not knowing with whom I was meeting. I am certain I have bothered God the Father regularly with my childish requests!
Jesus had a way of being present and in the moment. It is hard for me! I did my best when I was with Hannah to give her my full attention. It was hard sometimes with the demands of ministry. When we went on vacation, my attention was mostly on her. Cruises, Beach trips, Mountain and ski trips were centered on the family. It changed a little the more independent she became and she developed interests of her own. Since she was an only child, we often brought a friend with us on vacations. It did mean we had to share her, but we recognized how much fun she had. Soon there will be three of you. Your parents are going to have fun staying in the moment with all of you!
Any one who decides to be a parent needs to count the cost. Parenting requires sacrifice. You can’t love your things more than your children. No piece of art, furniture, sporting equipment, item of clothing, car, time or effort is withheld to be a parent. Jesus’ disciple John wrote this “By this we know love, because He laid down His life for us. And we also ought to lay down our lives for the brethren.” I John 3:16 NKJV. I would like to think I laid down my life for Hannah. I have done and given her and now you as much as I can!
Our family spent a lot summers participating with my Sister’s family hiking the Wilderness Trail. Hannah grew up attending many of the retreats and was absorbed into the culture. She never hiked until the summer between her sophomore and junior year of High School and then between junior and senior year. It was not necessarily her thing but she gave it a try. On the first year, she was really challenged and struggled on the second day. For about the last two miles, I carried her pack and mine. We slowly and surely made it to our camp site. The Bible tells us we can trust God with our burdens. “Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken.” Psalms 55:22 NASB Paul writes that a follower of Jesus should. “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2 NKJV. As a parent, you should always be ready to care your load and the load of those in your family. There was no way I would have left my child out there struggling on the trail. I have hiked a few other hikes and lifted other peoples burdens, but there is no greater Joy than carrying your own child!
This pretty much all I know about parenting, about being a good father.
Here are some pictures of us doing some of our favorite activities!
