Over the course of these notes, I have had the opportunity to share about many people who have had an influence in my life. I have shared about Pastors, Teachers, Sassy and our parents. As I pondered this question, I realized I have shared a lot more about my father, than I have about my mother. This is a great opportunity to share a little more about her.
Fortunately, my parents were positive influences in my life, though each was very different! It is not this simple, but dad was very analytical and made his decisions mostly with his mind while mom made her decisions based on her heart! It is, however, a good illustration of how each of them influenced my life.
Quite often I have said, “I got my sense of humor from my father, because he certainly didn’t have any!” While it was not entirely true, dad was pretty much no nonsense, while mom liked to kid, tease and make you laugh. She gave me the gift of laughter. She had a charm about herself, which I acquired, so much so, when I got in trouble, if I could get her to laugh it would reduce my punishment or maybe eliminate it altogether.
Her personality for most of her life would light a room. She gave me confidence in social situations and encouraged me to be outgoing, to care and reach out to all types of people. If I went to a party or a church activity, when I arrived home she would almost always ask, “Were there any new people there? Did you meet anyone new?” Sometimes I lied, because I knew if I didn’t reach out she would lecture me. Most people when they attend an event are drawn to the people with whom they have the most in common. It is pretty natural and we all do it. I am, however, grateful she pushed me to reach out to people who were not like me and to introduce myself to the new person in the group! This helped when I attended events where I didn’t know many people. I would often look for others who were hugging the wall or looked uncomfortable. I have met a lot of interesting people by doing this. Without her persistence in pushing me out of my comfort zone, I would have missed meeting a lot of people!
Mom loved music. When we were in a car with dad, the radio was rarely on and if it was, it was always low volume. With mom, you could count on music. She was the one who played the vinyl recordings on our living room stereo. She had a collection of Broadway musicals; some Sinatra and Glen Campbell recordings would be playing when I returned home from school. It was mom who supported my interest in guitar and singing. She took me to lessons. She convinced dad it was a valuable investment. She convinced our choir director to let me move up a grade because most of my good friends were a year ahead of me. (There’s another story which might be worth sharing!) She knew it would encourage me to sing.
When I was dealing with a relationship problem, she would often say, “Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face!” The first few times I heard her say it I didn’t understand. Over the years the importance of those words echoes loudly in my head. Basically, don’t cut your nose off and think you are getting even with someone else for the way they are treating you or you wished they would treat you! I learned in most cases I was my own worst enemy. It reminds me of a definition that says resentment is “like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Quite frankly, self-pity wasn’t allowed in our house. She was great at comforting me when I was truly wronged, but she was also great at helping me not to let it define me! She had a funny little song she would sing to me when I got in my self-pity mode, “Hard times, Hard times for the little fat boy!” Not especially good for my self-image, but it usually ended my pity party. On a side note, mom struggled with her weight for most of her adult life, so it was a term of endearment, and I knew it. In the end she didn’t want me to struggle with my weight or self-pity. You have to learn to cut your parents some slack!
Mom occasionally gave mixed messages. She was concerned I would follow the crowd and I would conform to the pressures of being popular. When I wanted to buy name brand clothes, she questioned my motivation. My first pair of real Levis jeans, she wanted to cut off the label on the pocket. The label meant something. I am pretty sure she knew, and really wasn’t going to remove it, but she made her point. Brand Name Labels don’t define you and you don’t have to conform to every fashion trend. On the other hand, when I began to dress outside of her norm, she was very concerned and would show her displeasure. It seemed it was alright to be a nonconformist when it aligned with her values, but not when it was different. It was quite paradoxical. I am grateful for her guidance and I learned not to judge people by their appearance, but it was a good thing to present yourself in a way which didn’t automatically alienate you! She helped me develop an attitude where outward appearances were important, but it really is who you are on the inside.
Most of the time, I was the greatest son a mother could ever have. If I did something wrong, I would be labeled the most unappreciative child ever. Probably not her finest moments. It did keep me on my toes and I learned the last impression you make on people will be the impression they remembered. Even to this day, I try hard to show people how much I appreciate them. My biggest regrets are with people who I did not leave with a gracious last impression. It is also hard for me to be with people who don’t show their appreciation for others!
Actually, I hesitate sharing this with you. So if this is your first reading just stop reading and come back to this part when you are reading this in your 20s. As I wrote earlier, her compassion for people was great! Over the years her great compassion began to overwhelm her. There were many factors, but in her late 50s, some of her outgoing personality traits began to lose their shine. Her expectations for herself and for others couldn’t always be met and she became more and more reclusive. It is important to share this, because I watched her go through this and I have struggled to not go down a similar path. Sadly, it is part of the aging process. I will be seventy in few weeks. I have outlived her by 8 years. I have been careful not to go down her path. It does have a pull on life. Knowing she struggled, has made me aware that I sometimes struggle as she did. I am a better person because I watched her struggle.
Know this, so many of the things I hope you love about me and remember about me are because of my mom! It feels good to say it!