To put it simply, almost everything I have written to this point has been influenced by my parents! Quite often I have commented to friends if I didn’t have a fulfilled life it would be my fault and not parents!
Having said that, it is true my parents weren’t perfect. At their core, however, they were good and always put my sister and my best interest first in their life! There are things about our family which could have been different (I shared about one in an earlier note) and I tried to do a few things different from my parents. Looking back I still know I owe them a great debt of gratitude for the person I am. Let’s be honest, they do get some of the blame for some of my quirks and negative behavior over the years, though I have to own them as well.
Let me try to summarize some of the lessons I learned!
There was a lot of love in our family. I knew I was loved. Having this as a foundation built a lot of confidence and helped me not be overwhelmed by circumstances.
There was security. We were fortunate my mother’s main job was our care giver and my father was the main provider. It was a huge gift. Both of them showed up for their jobs every day and worked overtime to be great parents. Sassy and I probably shared those responsibilities a little more, but we both were fully invested as parents!
My mother had a funny sense of humor! She taught me to laugh at myself more than to laugh at others. It was probably the best lesson I learned. My sense of humor came from her. Mom was a bit of a tease. Never cruel or cutting, but she was quick to make a joke. When I wandered off in a store and would find her, she would often look at me and say “whose little boy are you!” There was a brief moment I felt lost and abandoned, but she usually followed it with a big hug and big laugh. Mom’s sense of humor was never vindictive or demeaning. It was always gentle and a bit impish. There was a period in my life during college I regret how cutting and demeaning my sense of humor became. After a few years I really got tired of myself and began to curb my tongue. I am not sure if I really learned this from her, but I have tried to only tease people who are strong and I am pretty sure have a good self concept. It’s no fun picking on those weaker than. At mom’s best, she lit up a room with her outgoing personality. I learned from her! She helped me become comfortable in large social settings. Though I was never the brightest light in the room, I wasn’t afraid to let my light shine when the opportunity presented itself.
My father was much more serious. He didn’t make a lot of jokes. I am not sure he even knew when things were funny. Sometimes in social settings he was a bit awkward. He did, however, have a great smile and though he never really lit up a room, one on one he was always showing interest in others. He did not seek the lime light, but worked hard in the background to make sure mom and the family could shine!
When I was younger I acted more like mom. Probably Mom’s sense of humor helped me as a pastor to be congenial and confident in crowds. Since I have retired and am older, I find myself gravitating toward being like Dad. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy making people laugh and am always looking for a good joke, but I do find myself enjoying one on one conversations outside the limelight a bit more!
Combined, the lessons they both taught was kindness. It was expected! It was modeled even more than taught. I don’t think I ever heard my dad speak a critical or negative word about another person. Mom on the other hand might make snarky comments about friends and family, but it was never demeaning or cruel. She was a pretty good judge of character and she could spot a phony. Though I was held to high standards and disciplined if I failed to meet them, they were never demeaning. They were honest and frank. They would listen to me. If I needed discipline it really was for direction. It wasn’t cruel or condescending. It was honest and done with love.
A verse in the Bible which is a part of my Core Value is “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:32 NIV My parents modeled this even more than they taught it.
Probably another lesson I learned from them was my work ethic. When I was young, “immediate gratification” wasn’t a phrase I ever heard. There were no fast food restaurants, no microwaves (though we thought individual frozen dinners aka TV dinners because you had your own choice and your own tree and you could eat them in front of the TV were pretty cool), no mobile communication, no social media. While I have enjoyed those things, we were taught the best things in life take preparation. They take time. They require an investment. I can’t even begin to imagine the fast pace world in which you will live. My generation really embraced the story of Rabbit and the turtle. I love to move at the speed of the rabbit, but it is good to know the turtle option is available as well.
The Bible calls this perseverance.
“Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” Romans 5:1-3, 5 NIV
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4 NIV
The most important lesson my parents taught was a faith grounded in the Bible, God’s word. Belief God created the world and God’s will was more important than mine has always guided me all my life. My prayer is these notes will give you a few foot holds for your faith and will guide you in your life!